Breaking: Dick Cheney Says Shooting Was No Accident

In a stunning revelation that is likely to create political tremors throughout the world, Vice President Dick Cheney today admitted to deliberately shooting his friend Harry Whittington in the face last February. The comments were made by the Vice President under the influence of an anesthetic that is widely used as a "truth serum" by police forces everywhere.

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Mr. Cheney was brought to the Emergency Room at the Walter Reed Hospital last night after he complained of "almost human" pains in his chest, following a dinner consisting of raw duck and raw "terrorist meat." Emergency personnel immediately made the decision to perform surgery on Mr. Cheney and then quickly administered the only available anesthetic Sodium Thiopental. Sources say that no anesthesiologist was on duty and that the drug was administered by a regular physician who was unaware of the drug's effects in large doses. It has long been known that Sodium Thiopental doubles as a "truth serum" at a number of secret CIA prisons. Ironically, claim sources, recent cuts in veteran benefits introduced by the Bush administration were responsible for the absence of an on-duty anesthesiologist and the lack of more conventional anesthetics at Walter Reed.

Shortly after the surgery, Mr. Cheney summoned this startled reporter from the Maineville Times and, of his own volition, admitted to deliberately shooting his friend and lawyer, Harry Whittington, in the face on February 11 last year. "My ratings were in the low teens. Even with NRA members," said the Vice President, recalling a particularly rough patch in the administration's second stint. "I knew the only demographic I could, if you will, count on was the NRA segment. And what better way to get their vote of confidence than to shoot someone in, if you will, the face?" Mr. Cheney asked. "Harry is a long-time friend and he quickly agreed to getting shot in the face. He is a real trooper and never once complained. Of course, I claimed it was an accidental shooting, but my ratings did go up by five points," Mr. Cheney said, grinning from one side of his mouth.

Sources requesting anonymity said President George W. Bush is closeted in the White House situation room with his advisors in an attempt to come up with a unified response. A White House spokesperson, April Furst, declined comment and did not return multiple phone calls.