Debunking the "50 greatest conservative songs", part 11

32. “Keep Your Hands to Yourself,” by The Georgia Satellites.

NRO take: An outstanding vocal performance, with lyrics that affirm old-time sexual mores: “She said no huggy, no kissy until I get a wedding vow.”

DL take: Outstanding vocal performance? The song is infamous more for its comic value than anything else! If they went on American Idol (or even Nashville Star) they'd be lucky to make it to the second round. I'd sooner listen to Georgia O'Keeffe than the Satellites.

Silly me, I always thought this song was about a pent-up guy trying to get his hands down a chick's pants. And no huggy, no kissy? C'mon, you can be celibate and still make out a little; if you don't, I think all the relationship qualifies for is sparkin'.

And I have to ask, can we get a survey of all of these conservative icons to find out just how many of them remained virgins until their wedding day (and refrained from huggy and kissy)? How 'bout Mr. John J. Miller? Really, inquiring minds want to know, since you all preach celibacy so much, how'd you rate in that department?

39. “Property Line,” by The Marshall Tucker Band.

NRO take: The secret to happiness, according to these southern-rock heavyweights, is life, liberty, and property: “Well my idea of a good time / Is walkin’ my property line / And knowin’ the mud on my boots is mine.”

DL take: Here's lines 4-7:

Watchin' them leaves

Turnin' from green to gold

There ain't no way in this world

That can make a man feel old

The first seven lines of the song talk about his love of his property, that's true. Now how that's a conservative value is a mystery to me, as I know many liberal landholders. Although we don't like mud on our shoes, though I do remember going to conservative houses when I was younger and the parents asked me to wipe my shoes off before I came in, so I don't know that that's conservative either.

But then check out the next several lines:

That's when I get lovin' on my mind

I get lovin' on my mind

And if someone wants to know

Why I'm a-hurryin' all the time

You just tell 'em I got lovin'

Oh, sweet lovin'

Tell 'em I got lovin' on my mind

Ummm, ok. Someone needs to explain to me how watching the leaves turn makes him horny. It sounds like a fetish thing, which WOULD explain how this is a conservative song, though I would have preferred a loofah reference there. And he's a-hurryin'...I'd keep that to myself.

We continue:

Well there's two things I think are pretty

One's a black Arabian mare

And the other one is a woman

Who you can't stand to stare at

Ah, when that happens I get weak at both knees

If I'm out a-choppin' wood I leave the ax in the tree

'cause I get lovin' on my mind I get lovin' on my mind

Holy shit!! He wants to fuck a horse! Good God, this shouldn't be in any top 50 except for Top 50 Songs About Bestiality! And what exactly does 'a woman who you can't stand to stare at' mean? Ann Coulter?!

Obviously I've gone way overboard on this, but only to prove that, this song may be about a lot of things, and the songwriter should probably get some serious therapy and/or jail time, but it is definitely NOT about property ownership!