Oscar Thoughts

- Reese Witherspoon's mom should do political ads for Ohio Dems this year. Look how effective the ad was for her daughter!

- Was the person who cut off the speech of Crash's co-producer at the end of the night the same schmo who dropped the balloons at the 2004 Dem convention?

- Governor Reagan, Governor Schwarzenegger... Governor Clooney?

- The "Being Beautiful Means You Can Wear Anything You Want" Award Goes to: Selma Hayek. From the reactions of men who watched the Oscars with me, Selma could wear a dress made entirely of Family Dollar sacks and men would still line up to drink her bathwater.

- The "Being Beautiful Does NOT Mean You can Wear Anything You Want" award goes to: Naomi Watts. She looked like she re-enacted the molestation scene from Crash, but with King Kong instead of Matt Dillon's racist cop.

- The "1986 Called and Wants It's Prom Dress Back" award goes to: Charlize Theron's unfortunately shoulder poof.

- Hot: Nicole Kidman, Uma Thurman, George Clooney, Steve Carrell, the penguins

- Best Makeover: the Oscar statue after Nick Parks and Steve Box (the Wallace and Gromit team) put a bow tie on it.

- The "Martha Graham Is Doing Plies In Her Grave" Award for Worst Choreography goes to: the Crash musical number. Was I the only person thinking, "Drop and roll! Drop and roll!"

- Best speech: George Clooney, for acknowledging that he's a part of the Academy--but still able to poke fun at it at the same time

- Best presenters: Ben Stiller; Steve Carrell and Will Ferrell; Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep

- The "Chad Lowe Memorial Award" goes to: Ryan Phillippe

- The "We Wuz Robbed" Award Goes to: Brokeback Mountain losing out to Crash

- The "Too Bad there Wasn't a Tie" Award: Felicity Huffman and Reece Witherspoon

- "The 'Sixth Sense? How About the Sexy Sense?' Award" goes to: M. Night Shyamalan, who looked really hot in that American Express commercial.

- "The In Memoriam Clap-o-Meter" Awards go to: Richard Pryor, Shelley Winters

- Best John Stewart jokes:

"Do you think if we all got together and pulled this down, democracy would flourish in Hollywood?" (pointing at the large Oscar statue on stage)

"And none of these issues were ever a problem again." (after a montage of issue movies)

"I do have some sad news to report: Bjork could not be here. She was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her."