BREAKING: Obama really a Muslim after all!

President Obama was kind enough to grant jk, Ritchie, and I a panel interview earlier this week. The interview touched on a variety of subject; however, during one segment, he confirmed that he is actually an Indonesian Muslim.

“Of course I’m a Muslim”, a confident Obama told us. “All of my appearances at churches, outreach to Rick Warren, blah blah blah, that was all just window dressing. I’ve never been a Christian at any point in my life.

“All those people that were accusing me of being a closet Muslim, you were right. Everyone that was worried I was going to take the oath on the Koran? Yep, I sure did – the Bible at the inauguration was a prop, nothing more than a box which had a Koran inside of it. The whole re-run of the oath worried me a little, I figured doing it a second time just gave [Supreme Court Chief Justice John] Roberts another chance to drop it, but he did a damned fine job.

“But seriously, you guys didn’t think I was from America, did you? I mean, come on, look up and down your street, look in your yearbooks, hell look at your Facebook friends. You see any Barack’s in there? Anyone with the last name Obama? We just made that stuff up, my real name’s Barry Owens. Barack Obama...what the fuck were you all thinking?

“I figured at some point someone would call b.s. on it, but you people just ate it up. ‘Oh look at him, he’s the embodiment of the American dream’. You’re so gullible. White grandmother, Kenyan father, native American grandmother…how did you guys not pick up on that?”

Upon hearing this, our panel questioned him further on what other secrets might be lurking in his past.

“Oh I don’t even know where to start. Everyone’s all worked up over Michelle’s guns, how muscular and toned they look. They should, that’s actually Stevie Ray from [former WCW tag team champions] Harlem Heat.

And Sasha and Malia? Those aren’t my kids, we just cloned the twins from Sister Sister when we first started planning this all out years ago.”

As for changes that he’ll be making in the upcoming months, the president was even more candid.

“I got all sorts of stuff for you. Everyone’s going to be receiving a prayer rug and burqa in the next few months. But, we’re going to trick you into using them, because the rug is going to come in a Sham-wow box, and the burqa is going to be referred to as ‘The Super Snuggie’.

And I’m keeping all of Bush’s surveillance policies in place, but I’m upping the stakes. I’m not giving out all the details, but if I were you, I’d take Team America: World Police out of my Netflix queue. Just sayin'.

“Oh, and the national anthem? Gone. We’re replacing it with Jai-Ho. India, Indonesia, no one’s going to know the difference.”

We contacted National Review Online editor Andrew McCarthy, who has repeatedly questioned the citizenship of Obama and demanded to see a birth certificate from Obama, for his reaction to these revelations.

“Oh my lord…I mean…how…I was just making all that shit up. How the hell was that true? I’m just…stunned…damn…” was all that McCarthy could muster before quietly hanging up the phone.

As for our reaction? Jk sums it up quite nicely

1 comment:

jk said...

I just got my prayer rug delivered this came in a box marked "Sham-Wow!".

We just got rid of all the alcoholic beverages in the house, now that we're under Sharia. That prayer rug does a pretty good job soaking up the stuff we accidentally spilled!