Please help!

Please, someone help. Apparently, a nude model was used in a film project on August 22, 2007 in Sharon Woods by some liberal secular anti-American UC professor.

That's right, a nude model! I don't know if I can handle this news. I am on the verge of going insane. Can you believe that? NUDITY! Oh. My. Fucking. God. I have never heard of a more horrific thing. I have been unable to eat, sleep or poop since hearing this news. I can feel my innards decompose and my morals crumble just thinking about this outrageous act. If these activities are left unchecked, we'll pretty soon have a nudity epidemic in this city, everyone will be fornicating with everyone else in public and we'll be finished as a society.

The only piece of good news is that, thankfully, the Hamilton County Park District rangers raided the guilty parties and took away a bunch of computers and other media with what is undoubtedly obscene matter on them. Thank God, there still are good, decent people like the county prosecutors and rangers who care about morals and shit. Who gives a damn about shootings when these degenerates are running around nude and destroying our society?

My only word of advice to the Hamilton County attorneys is this: exercise adequate caution in prosecuting the offenders. I know you are sincere and dedicated to your job, but please don't kill yourselves by tirelessly working day and night under extremely stressful conditions. That's what caused Mike Allen to leave office in 2004. Get plenty of rest and drink lots of fluids. Take two OxyContin and call me in the morning.