Insights into a disturbed mind

Since I haven't had my mind focused on politics for a couple days, here are some of the random thoughts that clutter my brain so I can get back to normal. And yes, I'm completely plagarizing Bill Simmons' style for this. So sue me. Really, please do, we could use the publicity.

"Spreading peanut butter on a slice of toast without ripping a hole in it" should be an Olympic sport.

Nothing stops me in my tracks like the Proactiv face cleaning solution commercial where P. Diddy describes how it "...moisturizes my situation, and preserves my sexy". How he's not president is beyond me.

How could they have both Dancing With the Stars and Skating With Celebrities without inviting Coolio or Omarosa? Aren't they contractually obligated to be on a reality show at least once every six months? What else is keeping them busy? (Dancing, three words: Stacy Keibler...yum)

How do Jason Priestly and Brian Austin Green get roles in prime-time shows, and we can't find a spot for Ian Ziering somewhere?

If I had to rate the best inventions of the past 10 years, shuffle mode and TiVo would be at the top of the list...and Scarborough Country would definitely be last.

When the TV historians look back in 20 years, the Real World/Road Rules Challenge season without Abe, Theo, Veronica, Tonya, or the Miz will be the equivalent of the Anthony Michael Hall Saturday Night Live season.

No trip to Jungle Jim's is complete without Boar's Head cold cuts, a 6-pack of good beer, and Bubbies' pickles.

Every time I get excited over how incredible the rookie class in the NHL is this year, I realize that it's only because the soul-less bastards cancelled the season last year, so there are actually two year's worth of rookies...and then I have an aneurism.

Random thoughts on 24: did they use W's decision making abilities as a basis for President Logan? Do you get hazard pay for having to reach inside Jean Smart's blouse? Has Edgar changed his clothes since last season? And does anyone else keep a spray bottle of lemon juice nearby so they can blind themselves every time he looks stalkingly at Chloe?

I spend more time examining a carton of eggs at the grocery than I spent researching my digital camera purchase.

Ok, I'll say it: Keira Knightley and Natalie Portman are the same person. Even God couldn't hit back-to-back homeruns like that. They're like Mark McGwire and the Brawny paper towel guy, you've never seen them in the same room at the same time.